On Health and Happiness

Dear friends who read this blog,

There have been things in my life that I've kept to myself and a select few, pretty faithfully. Here are words to describe a few of these dark things: depression, self-degradation, mental turmoil, indecisiveness, lack of ambition. I don't know why these things are in me, and sometimes I'm convinced it's not special in any way . . . that everyone has this stuff. On the other hand, there have been times in my life when I felt smart, self-confident, courageous, interested, and just all-around enjoyable. Some of you would agree with me, while others would disagree . . . I guess it just depends in what capacity and how well you have known me.

Well, sometimes shit happens in our lives. My recent tragedy was falling in love, which I highly recommend for an exciting life. I had my attention on this fine fellow since the day after I graduated from college, and a friendship certainly continued for almost two years, which I felt so lucky, and tormented, to have. Things FINALLY got closer this spring with a few confessions in January, and a great trip to the Florida Keys. You, good readers, are smiling smugly I'm sure . . . yes, his picture is published on this blog.

Things have since fallen apart, in ways I never expected. I know how to tell the story in such a way that places me in the role of victim. I can also flip the story around and give you all kinds of reasons why it was my fault. As the true version is long, complicated (what relationship isn't?) and still traumatic, I won't give that to you either. I can say that he is still on my mind, turning up at every point. I can't think about cutting my hair without wondering what he would think. I'm almost done reading his favorite book. The sock that got chewed on by his cousin's crazy dog still makes me smile at the memories whenever I wear it and feel my big toe sticking through. In other words, it won't end, even though it has.

Anyway, ever since this experience the dark phase has been fully upon me, worse than ever before. My behavior and mood and mental turmoil got so intense something snapped and I wondered, "Is this something beyond heartbreak?" I don't know if it is, but I do recognize repeating patterns throughout my life. Also, some of the observations my romantic interest made about me were also quite notable. (In a healthy frame of mind, his observations and ability to express them are incredible, which I have been envious of well before I was envious of all the women he ever dated.) "I can't put you in a box," he said once, which I was proud of at the time, but I wonder about now. He was referring to my opinions in general, I think, on all sorts of philosophical and practical subjects. I am unpredictable. I contradict myself.

This summer I have been watching and analyzing myself, especially after a few incredibly frightening mood swing experiences and irrational mental turmoil, as well as behaviors that frightened me, like writing things that should not have been written. One of the biggest things I noticed was hyper-sensitivity, irritation, judgements, anti-social behavior, and anxiety. All this was sort of stuck in my head though . . . I couldn't express it to anyone around me, because I knew that it was unnecessary under the circumstances. Aches and pains float in and out of different parts of my body. I browsed the internet for information on diabetes, bi-polar disorder, and schizophrenia. I'm not settling on any diagnosis of course, but I will tell you about one thing I was right about.

Sugar.

I am off my rocker when I consume too much sugar. On a break with my Fairbanks relatives, I decided I had a urinary tract infection and stopped eating refined sugar almost entirely, since there's not that much around in that household anyway. My last night in Fairbanks we celebrated my birthday with an ice cream cake . . . that night I was wired and weird, and that continued for a few days, which with the consumption of some alcohol on returning to Toolik, carried on. But, when I came out of it, I put down my foot: "No more refined sugar and no more alcohol, and cut back on refined carbohydrates in general." Also, no caffeine, and taking Vitamin C, drinking lots of water, eating first a large salad at every meal, followed by protein, more veggies, and a small portion of starches (especially small if they are "white") and taking a dietary supplement of dried out algae and other hippie super foods. I have officially joined the "green drink" culture, when I don't forget, of course. Believe me, I look forward to being healed up and enjoying desserts, bread, and fermented beverages again.

The turn-around has been reassuring, to say the least. I am much calmer, my face looks better, I sleep better (when I'm not getting up to pee repeatedly), and I am getting my brains back . . . I remember things so much better, and don't beat myself up when I do forget. I have become more forgiving. There are still some behavioral things I am unhappy with, and I'm still missing my man, and experiencing depression over recent life disappointments, and I have no idea what is going to happen next in my life, but I don't feel as crazy . . . I feel at greater peace.

I found a company online that sold me for a mere $85 dollars a series of tests geared toward diabetic health. A nurse at the public health clinic in Fairbanks took samples of my blood and urine and sent them to this company called Personalabs, which sent me the results directly online. Urine test looked great. Blood test indicated a high count of white blood cells, those particularly geared for bacterial infection. And my LDL cholesteral was high, I think, if I read the numbers correctly. Interesting. So far, this has been an incredibly inexpensive doctoring method. I have an infection, so my UTI self-diagnosis might be correct, since my kidneys do hurt. The diabetes-prone theory will be tested later, when I find a cheap way of taking a Glucose Tolerance Test . . . a test that measures you're metabolic reaction to sugar.

But, my new problem . . . little annoying pains in my body are making themselves known, my left knee particularly the last couple days. I wonder, did I injure it? Is it hurting because I'm detoxing? Am I indeed diabetic prone, and all the sugar in my body kept me high and masked pain? I think this is a legitimate possibility, knowing my family history, and how happy I feel during the day after I've eaten and started moving around, even though 1 hour before I was sitting in bed with my head in my hands feeling the day was maybe not worth getting up for . . . feeling ugly, unworthy, afraid of the future, angry over a broken heart, stupid, lazy, fat, sick, and all those unnecessary things girls load on themselves. In fact, just after supper today I was enjoying some Frisbee with my friend and co-worker and just goofing off like I usually do, and she jokingly asked if I was drunk. We laughed it off, of course, but I know there might be truth to that. I weary quickly at the end of the day . . . others are still going strong, it seems, while depressing thoughts are passing through my head and I'm thinking about snuggling into bed and sleeping. Clearly, my body is needing to heal something, or my energy just can't be sustained very long, under the circumstances of my sugar metabolism.

Whatever the case, if you find yourself angry at stuff . . . try eating fewer refined carbs . . . you might notice a change in your outlook within a couple weeks. I logically knew it would, as I've taken high school and college biology, and heard nutritionists speak on the connection between food and behavior, and wanted to shoot my share of hyper children.

Now, I am very tired, finished my calming tea, have to pee (again!). I'll pee in my "Buttermilk Ranch" jug, partly to check the color and cloudiness levels, partly to not freeze walking to the "tower" outhouse across the drive this September arctic night.

To health and happiness. Cheers.