November 12th, 2008, may be my independence day. That day, I present my English portfolio to prove that I have achieved the objectives of the USF English department and deserve a B.A. in English. Tonight, I was reflecting on the difficulties of my situation.
-I am on the first day of presentations.
-I have not previously written a true research paper, which is required for the portfolio.
-Three of my selections take up more physical space than is required, meaning pages and pages of editing work for me.
-I have low self-confidence.
-I have terribly high expectations.
Finding sanity in this time is hard. I've demanded much of myself, and much sympathetic attention from close friends. I've noticed how hard I hold myself together during meetings with my adviser. At our last meeting, two tears slid silently down my face when we began discussing the research essay. "You are stressed," he said.
"Yes," I said.
I am a slave to this project. That is okay, I guess, as long as I do quality work. I care deeply about accomplishing this. One consequence of my servitude is that I am not the creative, happy person I believe myself to be. In my most happy hours, I share stories and ideas with people. Sometimes it is through singing, sometimes through drawing, sometimes through letter writing, sometimes through e-mailing, sometimes through walking a dog, sometimes through cooking. Now the only story I have to share is the story of my ongoing portfolio saga. Lame for everyone else. The portfolio helps one person--me--get a degree. How exciting is that?
Of course, I do have hope that others are connected to this project. Maybe my teachers will be proud of being my teachers. I'll be happy to have a degree someday. My parents will be proud of my accomplishments, since it says something about their work raising and then supporting me through these four college years. The portfolio project has meaning, as a completed project, and hopefully the process is character building.
I've often been glad I am not an Honor's student, writing extra stuff for honors thesis and such. But, I made things tough anyway. I present on the earliest date of this semester, and I'm almost willing to bet my portfolio will have more pages than the portfolios of my fellows.
Now, I am off to begin writing the ever bothersome, "Portfolio Introduction."
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Berty,
I wish I could be there to give you a hug and assure you that everything is going to be all right. I imagine this is what I will be like when I begin writing my Master's Thesis next year.
I'm praying for you and I know that you will do a fantastic job. Just occasionally take a deep breath and relax and spend a little bit of time doing what you really want to do, even if it means putting off that research paper for a little bit. I had to go buy some David Sedaris essays and spend my time in the evening reading them instead of my homework this last week because I was so stressed out from all the work I had to do. It seems counter intuitive, but it relaxed me a lot and allowed me to concentrate on what I really needed to do.
When do you present?
Hey Liberty --
This, too, shall pass--and so shall you. :) Let me know how I can help.
One practical note: Just remember that the number of required pages is a minimum, not a maximum nor an ideal. The number is specified in order to ensure that less prolific folks accomplish at least a certain minimum. While "pages and pages" of editing is almost always a productive endeavor, keep in mind that you don't have to "edit down" the paper to the stated number of pages.
You know this, of course, so I'm not saying too much that is helpful. Let me know if I can.
Just breathe, dear. I know it's a horridly stressful process, but soon enough it will be behind you. If you need anyone to talk to, or even just vent at, you have my number.
As for your specific concerns, don't worry about the length. My portfolio was definitely longer than it needed to be, and that was fine. And as far as editing goes, you don't have to rewrite everything if the pieces are already good, which I'm sure they are. And as for the low self-confidence and high expectations, we are two peas in a pod, my friend! If I could get through this, then you will too. Besides, the whole English faculty already likes you--you have no short list of people who would love to help you if you ask.
Take heart and persevere! And like Dianna said, don't forget to take breaks to maintain sanity and clarity of thought.
"Over-achievers" is one term applied to the likes of Berty (and Kelley and Alan and Denise and Sherryl and Breece).
You come from over-achieving stock who make mountains out of molehills. Some people like us for it because stuff gets done, and done well. Others dislike us for it because it raises the bar to a level of discomfort.
Best to you. I want to be there for your 'present', which will be a gift to all of us.
Research papers are a bummer. Don't let the procrastination bug bite you! :) You'll do just fine, and since you're first it will be over and done with! I'll say a special prayer for you on the 12th!
Post a Comment